Thursday, August 25, 2011

Home Surgery

Cut carefully! And fucking sterilize everything!!
Fifteen years ago this summer, I made a final decision to fully explore a lump that had been on my scalp since childhood. The lump came and went over the years, sometimes feeling like a little pimple, and sometimes like a lima bean. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a sebaceous cyst growing there. On that fateful evening, I put a bic lighter to a box cutter razor, opened the bottle of rubbing alcohol, turned all the lights on in my bathroom, and made Junior the cat stay outside. A few careful incisions later and out popped a white bean-looking thing that really felt like a piece of plastic. I first thought that it was a plastic bb that my brother had shot at me during our summer war games. Not able to stop myself, I opened the little thing up, and a bunch of waxy white stuff came out. Then I noticed the blood streaming down my face, so I put the cyst aside and went about the business of cleaning and sanitizing my scalp. I thought I could see my skull, but have since learned that there are several layers of membrane before the actual skull comes into view. I believe I was below the skin but above the periosteum --- I'd say medial to those two layers.
From Wikipedia: another excellent source of medical information!

A small dent still can be felt on my head, but I think I mostly got away with it, and it surely emboldened me to try other surgical procedures, mostly on myself. And that brings me to my main point for this posting: Don't play with your belly button too much!
A veritable flight of naval germs

About 5 years ago, I noticed a large ball of lint in my belly button and started to remove it when I noticed a pretty big deposit of waxy linty disgustingly hairy crud and began to use several tools to extract it including tweezers, the cap of a ball point pen, and whatever else was around. Something ..... happened. Not sure how to explain it,  but there was a feeling of release and mild discomfort (still makes me queasy. I'm not worried about you because the only people still reading are morbid or SUAR). Within a few days, my belly button went from inny to outy. I went to the doctor for something unrelated and casually mentioned that I thought I had a hernia. The doctor checked (thoroughly!!) and said that I didn't have A hernia, I had three. Two inguinal and one unbilical. No, I didn't operate on myself for this, but there are many Youtube videos that take you through it step by step. That surgery was done, and I removed the stitches myself, then found out that they were supposed to dissolve on their own. So I made another visit to have my handiwork reviewed. The doctor told me to leave it alone, and I did. Mostly.
a lot easier to ruin than you might think

Nowadays, I dabble in hanging toenails, toe blister easement, and an occasional ear canal reaming, but the thrill of actual surgery is a thing of the past. A phase. Have you ever taken a surgical situation into your own hands? What is your sterilization procedure? Do you think that Youtube videos give us all the necessary information to conduct our own surgeries? Write back soon!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Fall/Winter Race Schedule

Hard to believe I'm thinking about this since it was 116 degrees outside today. My truck battery died, and I only ventured outside once or twice to let the dog pee. But I'm encouraged by reports from other runners in cooler parts of the US. SUAR is biking with arm warmers, something I never would use here in Phoenix.

Having a few races scheduled gives me motivation to run above my comfort zone and try for improved performance. I have one race scheduled each month through January which matches our budget just right and keeps me accountable.

September is always set to the Moon Valley Grasshopper Bridge 5K. This will be the 4th time I have run this race. It's my first ever venue and I love the course. It's pretty flat, and has some grassy sections near the end. I pushed Harrison in his stroller for the first three, and then he/I got too heavy/unwilling. Amelia, of course, is still too small to push, but hopefully the family will be out there to cheer me on at the finish. I've had a mental block for 5K's this whole year. My training runs are sometimes much faster than my 5K PR, but I have not been able to put together a PR effort in an actual race. This is my last attempt this year, so I plan to achieve the goal of a sub 28:00 and a PR.

One of my running new year resolutions was to run in at least one trail race, so I signed up for the Cactus Cha Cha in October. This seven mile race is out in the White Tank mountains and is well-rated by many of my running friends. We shall see. Seven to eight miles is my favorite distance because I get really warmed up, but it isn't so long that I might die out on the course.

November will be the first time I run on Thanksgiving day. Arizona Road Racers is putting on their Thanksgiving Day classic, a ten mile run out at Peoria sports complex. ARR always puts on a great event, and I'll be able to eat an entire Costco pumpkin pie that afternoon.

December is another favorite race -- the Fiesta Bowl Half-Marathon in Scottsdale. The last two times I've run this, I had to wear gloves and a "Fuck-you I'm a gangsta!" scalp hat. This is a fun event with about 500-600 runners, and there is a possibility that Adam The Boring Runner will be pacing me to a PR. I have a C goal of finishing in 130 minutes, a B goal of finishing faster than that, and an A goal of finishing sub 2 hours.

The plan for January is to get a free entry into the RnR PF Chang's Marathon. I have some connections through work that will hopefully bear out. If not, trusty ARR sponsors a January up/down marathon for less than 50 bucks, and I'm pretty sure that it's pants-optional.

The RTP has been a bit dry lately in content and frequency. Baby Amelia is taking a lot of our time and even though she is sleeping really well so far, the rest of the family is not, so my motivation level is just not there. God is that kid cute!! I just can't wait to be in running events with them.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Stork is En Route....... Has Arrived

We are scheduled to have our baby girl Tuesday morning. "We?" you say?? That's right, WE. Maria carries and gestates the child, and Maria pushes her out when told to do so, but it is I that has to hold a leg, I that has to give ice chips-- sometimes having to go out to the hallway for more, and I that has to scrounge around for meals while she is laid up in the hospital.

We go twice tomorrow for some chemical gel that ripens the cervix. Google or Wikipedia it if you need to, but DO NOT Youtube it. You have been warned. Then we go back Tuesday morning for another chemical that launches the whole labor process.......

Maybe I'll go for that "Blogger of the Year" award next year. Baby Amelia is born!
Amelia Juliet Geyer: 0-5 female division

She was born Tuesday at 11:56am. 8 pounds even, 20.5 inches. Mom and baby are doing great! I have lots more photos, but they are of other mommies giving birth or pretending to have other ailments. Thank you trusty "Resident" badge! It's amazing what can be generated from the internet and a decent printer.

Maria went through it sans drugs, just like with Harrison. She is a MACHINE!! She kept saying that she would call for the needle if it got too bad, but suddenly Amelia was out and in her arms. I think she gets a race medal for that. It's kind of like the runner at mile 22 thinking about walking, but deciding to run a little slower instead and see what happens and then the runner lays down on the pavement and someone crams in a Ford transmission and pulls it out while a "Resident" snaps photos and says, "Gross, is that the... GROSS OMFG GROSS!!!!"

Well, they come home today, so time to sweep up all the pizza boxes and get ready. Tales from the road coming shortly as soon as I start running again.