Thursday, August 25, 2011

Home Surgery

Cut carefully! And fucking sterilize everything!!
Fifteen years ago this summer, I made a final decision to fully explore a lump that had been on my scalp since childhood. The lump came and went over the years, sometimes feeling like a little pimple, and sometimes like a lima bean. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a sebaceous cyst growing there. On that fateful evening, I put a bic lighter to a box cutter razor, opened the bottle of rubbing alcohol, turned all the lights on in my bathroom, and made Junior the cat stay outside. A few careful incisions later and out popped a white bean-looking thing that really felt like a piece of plastic. I first thought that it was a plastic bb that my brother had shot at me during our summer war games. Not able to stop myself, I opened the little thing up, and a bunch of waxy white stuff came out. Then I noticed the blood streaming down my face, so I put the cyst aside and went about the business of cleaning and sanitizing my scalp. I thought I could see my skull, but have since learned that there are several layers of membrane before the actual skull comes into view. I believe I was below the skin but above the periosteum --- I'd say medial to those two layers.
From Wikipedia: another excellent source of medical information!

A small dent still can be felt on my head, but I think I mostly got away with it, and it surely emboldened me to try other surgical procedures, mostly on myself. And that brings me to my main point for this posting: Don't play with your belly button too much!
A veritable flight of naval germs

About 5 years ago, I noticed a large ball of lint in my belly button and started to remove it when I noticed a pretty big deposit of waxy linty disgustingly hairy crud and began to use several tools to extract it including tweezers, the cap of a ball point pen, and whatever else was around. Something ..... happened. Not sure how to explain it,  but there was a feeling of release and mild discomfort (still makes me queasy. I'm not worried about you because the only people still reading are morbid or SUAR). Within a few days, my belly button went from inny to outy. I went to the doctor for something unrelated and casually mentioned that I thought I had a hernia. The doctor checked (thoroughly!!) and said that I didn't have A hernia, I had three. Two inguinal and one unbilical. No, I didn't operate on myself for this, but there are many Youtube videos that take you through it step by step. That surgery was done, and I removed the stitches myself, then found out that they were supposed to dissolve on their own. So I made another visit to have my handiwork reviewed. The doctor told me to leave it alone, and I did. Mostly.
a lot easier to ruin than you might think

Nowadays, I dabble in hanging toenails, toe blister easement, and an occasional ear canal reaming, but the thrill of actual surgery is a thing of the past. A phase. Have you ever taken a surgical situation into your own hands? What is your sterilization procedure? Do you think that Youtube videos give us all the necessary information to conduct our own surgeries? Write back soon!

4 comments:

ShutUpandRun said...

I wanted to look away, to stop reading, but I just couldn't. The belly button hair drew me in like a pile of vomit at the gas station and I couldn't resist.

I have never done surgery on myself, except for that time I did my own c-section while simultaneously circumsising my child. But that was the only time.

Honestly, I laughed so hard at this post I had tears!!

Adam said...

Hahahhaha. One of your best posts. And not because you talked about being a cutter.

Can I see your scar?

Jamoosh said...

Great - apparently I am either morbid or I have a lot in common with SUAR.

Stacey (aka UltraPrincess) said...

I'm not too much for doing it myself.... but I'll watch!!