Home Surgery

Cut carefully! And fucking sterilize everything!!

Fifteen years ago this summer, I made a final decision to fully explore a lump that had been on my scalp since childhood. The lump came and went over the years, sometimes feeling like a little pimple, and sometimes like a lima bean. I didn't know it at the time, but I had a sebaceous cyst growing there. On that fateful evening, I put a bic lighter to a box cutter razor, opened the bottle of rubbing alcohol, turned all the lights on in my bathroom, and made Junior the cat stay outside. A few careful incisions later and out popped a white bean-looking thing that really felt like a piece of plastic. I first thought that it was a plastic bb that my brother had shot at me during our summer war games. Not able to stop myself, I opened the little thing up, and a bunch of waxy white stuff came out. Then I noticed the blood streaming down my face, so I put the cyst aside and went about the business of cleaning and sanitizing my scalp. I thought I could see my skull, but have since learned that there are several layers of membrane before the actual skull comes into view. I believe I was below the skin but above the periosteum --- I'd say medial to those two layers.

From Wikipedia: another excellent source of medical information!

A small dent still can be felt on my head, but I think I mostly got away with it, and it surely emboldened me to try other surgical procedures, mostly on myself. And that brings me to my main point for this posting: Don't play with your belly button too much!

A veritable flight of naval germs

About 5 years ago, I noticed a large ball of lint in my belly button and started to remove it when I noticed a pretty big deposit of waxy linty disgustingly hairy crud and began to use several tools to extract it including tweezers, the cap of a ball point pen, and whatever else was around. Something ..... happened. Not sure how to explain it,  but there was a feeling of release and mild discomfort (still makes me queasy. I'm not worried about you because the only people still reading are morbid or SUAR). Within a few days, my belly button went from inny to outy. I went to the doctor for something unrelated and casually mentioned that I thought I had a hernia. The doctor checked (thoroughly!!) and said that I didn't have A hernia, I had three. Two inguinal and one unbilical. No, I didn't operate on myself for this, but there are many Youtube videos that take you through it step by step. That surgery was done, and I removed the stitches myself, then found out that they were supposed to dissolve on their own. So I made another visit to have my handiwork reviewed. The doctor told me to leave it alone, and I did. Mostly.

a lot easier to ruin than you might think

Nowadays, I dabble in hanging toenails, toe blister easement, and an occasional ear canal reaming, but the thrill of actual surgery is a thing of the past. A phase. Have you ever taken a surgical situation into your own hands? What is your sterilization procedure? Do you think that Youtube videos give us all the necessary information to conduct our own surgeries? Write back soon!

Fall/Winter Race Schedule

Hard to believe I'm thinking about this since it was 116 degrees outside today. My truck battery died, and I only ventured outside once or twice to let the dog pee. But I'm encouraged by reports from other runners in cooler parts of the US. SUAR is biking with arm warmers, something I never would use here in Phoenix.

Having a few races scheduled gives me motivation to run above my comfort zone and try for improved performance. I have one race scheduled each month through January which matches our budget just right and keeps me accountable.

September is always set to the Moon Valley Grasshopper Bridge 5K. This will be the 4th time I have run this race. It's my first ever venue and I love the course. It's pretty flat, and has some grassy sections near the end. I pushed Harrison in his stroller for the first three, and then he/I got too heavy/unwilling. Amelia, of course, is still too small to push, but hopefully the family will be out there to cheer me on at the finish. I've had a mental block for 5K's this whole year. My training runs are sometimes much faster than my 5K PR, but I have not been able to put together a PR effort in an actual race. This is my last attempt this year, so I plan to achieve the goal of a sub 28:00 and a PR.

One of my running new year resolutions was to run in at least one trail race, so I signed up for the Cactus Cha Cha in October. This seven mile race is out in the White Tank mountains and is well-rated by many of my running friends. We shall see. Seven to eight miles is my favorite distance because I get really warmed up, but it isn't so long that I might die out on the course.

November will be the first time I run on Thanksgiving day. Arizona Road Racers is putting on their Thanksgiving Day classic, a ten mile run out at Peoria sports complex. ARR always puts on a great event, and I'll be able to eat an entire Costco pumpkin pie that afternoon.

December is another favorite race -- the Fiesta Bowl Half-Marathon in Scottsdale. The last two times I've run this, I had to wear gloves and a "Fuck-you I'm a gangsta!" scalp hat. This is a fun event with about 500-600 runners, and there is a possibility that Adam The Boring Runner will be pacing me to a PR. I have a C goal of finishing in 130 minutes, a B goal of finishing faster than that, and an A goal of finishing sub 2 hours.

The plan for January is to get a free entry into the RnR PF Chang's Marathon. I have some connections through work that will hopefully bear out. If not, trusty ARR sponsors a January up/down marathon for less than 50 bucks, and I'm pretty sure that it's pants-optional.

The RTP has been a bit dry lately in content and frequency. Baby Amelia is taking a lot of our time and even though she is sleeping really well so far, the rest of the family is not, so my motivation level is just not there. God is that kid cute!! I just can't wait to be in running events with them.

The Stork is En Route....... Has Arrived

We are scheduled to have our baby girl Tuesday morning. "We?" you say?? That's right, WE. Maria carries and gestates the child, and Maria pushes her out when told to do so, but it is I that has to hold a leg, I that has to give ice chips-- sometimes having to go out to the hallway for more, and I that has to scrounge around for meals while she is laid up in the hospital.

We go twice tomorrow for some chemical gel that ripens the cervix. Google or Wikipedia it if you need to, but DO NOT Youtube it. You have been warned. Then we go back Tuesday morning for another chemical that launches the whole labor process.......

Maybe I'll go for that "Blogger of the Year" award next year. Baby Amelia is born!

Amelia Juliet Geyer: 0-5 female division

She was born Tuesday at 11:56am. 8 pounds even, 20.5 inches. Mom and baby are doing great! I have lots more photos, but they are of other mommies giving birth or pretending to have other ailments. Thank you trusty "Resident" badge! It's amazing what can be generated from the internet and a decent printer.

Maria went through it sans drugs, just like with Harrison. She is a MACHINE!! She kept saying that she would call for the needle if it got too bad, but suddenly Amelia was out and in her arms. I think she gets a race medal for that. It's kind of like the runner at mile 22 thinking about walking, but deciding to run a little slower instead and see what happens and then the runner lays down on the pavement and someone crams in a Ford transmission and pulls it out while a "Resident" snaps photos and says, "Gross, is that the... GROSS OMFG GROSS!!!!"

Well, they come home today, so time to sweep up all the pizza boxes and get ready. Tales from the road coming shortly as soon as I start running again.

Improved Blood

This is what you will see if you suspect someone is out there and you try to peek thru the peephole. Have you never seen a slasher movie??

I signed up for a life insurance policy in February of 2008 and was ordered to undergo a health screening including a questionnaire, blood sample, and pap smear (they should NOT be allowed to do that!)

When the numbers came back, I went into a mild panic and began a running regimen. I had already made a life decision to never eat McDonalds again. I won't even pee in their bathroom.

It's always a clown in the park isn't it

Fast forward to this summer. My doctor had asked me to come in for a physical, so last Friday I headed over to the office for another questionnaire, blood sample, and a procedure similar to the pap smear but without the 2008 raised eyebrows, exclamation of WTF??!?, and forehead-slapping chart-consulting epiphany "she's a he...
a manchild!" Even so, will that really tell you something about my overall health? Apologies indeed! Sir, you are a cad!!

Running has helped. Take a look at the comparison:

My weight has gone from 217 during that exam to 196 today.
This is a move in the right direction. Still not the numbers and weight I want, but good solid progress. I asked the doctor if I should cut out bacon cheeseburgers and he said no to just exercise more. He barely got the sentence out before I screeched into the parking lot at Chicago Hamburger Co. So.... more races, more early morning runs. As Suzanne and I were standing in the street in front of my house early this morning sweating buckets, we were chatting about the time this past winter when we ran in 25 degree weather. We vowed to connect the dots and keep running until it gets to be 25 degrees outside again. And now, to further randomize this posting:

Nesting

Thank you IKEA for your mind-numbing illustration-only instructions

We are about four weeks away from welcoming our newest member to the family. Mr. Stork should arrive sometime around the 14th or 15th of August, and we have been busy converting this house from a three person abode into a four person home (not counting the 72 lb. dogshit machine). Some of you have been asking about names. We aren't announcing but we are considering Suar, Jamoosha, and possibly Nitmosa though it's so tough to pin down the pronunciation on that last one (long O sounds like a drink in Okinawa, short O sounds like a monster in Okinawa ---a very small squeeky monster).

So the conversion of the office, computer room/storage room was necessary and daunting to say the least. I have made two big trips to Goodwill, numerous trips to the dumpster, and assembled the mommy chair, crib, and dresser/changing table, hung the flowery curtain, and painted the room pink. I can't believe how much stuff we had.

She will have to sleep on that until I can get the energy to finish the crib

Look carefully and you can see the faint outline image of the little old lady who was strangled in this room

We are also in the process of teaching our son to use the potty. Holy Moses! He likes the movie Cars (hates the band which is a shame since I like them a lot and they have recently reformed), so we set up his bathroom like a Pixar museum with milestone prizes taped to the mirror. So far, he just sits there on the throne for a half hour or so playing games on the iPad until we get tired and get him down and he promptly lets loose.

The diecast cars for a tinkle and the DVD for a deuce

Playing Mr. Giggle and Caveman Bowling on the ipad

Running has been going fairly well lately. I have been running three to four times per week including a track speed session on Thursdays. It's been hot (duh), so that has slowed my pace a bit, but I'm injury free and feeling good about keeping this base. I ran in the Arizona Road Racers Summer Series 5K yesterday morning and had a hard time keeping my paces according to plan, and finished over a minute slower than the target. Oh well. The main road to South Tempe was closed, the line to the six* porta potties was enormous and I was not able to line up with my pace group, and I left my inhaler back in the car. Meh, wtf. My summer race season is now closed --the next race is in late September, and my goal is to maintain a base through the remaining summer and get our daughter situated in her barracks.

* really there were only five since one was so badly desecrated that only the most iron-stomached runners could have used it. Most of us took one look and turned back to the line for a do-over clemency pass for the next open door.

Thursday at the Track

Just moving a few things into your closet

Met Adam the Boring Runner out at Camelback High School for some early morning track speed work. I ran out to the track from home as a warm up since it is only about 2 miles away. We searched the perimeter of the school and then found a service entrance that led up to the athletic fields.

Adam had decided to run 800 meter repeats and I wanted to try some 400 meter repeats (with 200 meter jogs in between) at a prescribed pace (9:00) to see how well I could stick to that pace. Because I'm relatively new to running, I have a difficult time running at a prescribed pace and/or knowing what that pace 'feels like', so this is good practice.

I did a warm up 200 on the track and then spent the next 30 minutes running and looking at my Garmin like it was suddenly going to pop up the winning Powerball numbers. My splits were 9:11, 8:53, 8:40, 8:42 rest rest rest, 8:39, 8:47, 8:42, 8:07. Faster than 9:00 for sure, and a bit up and down, and I finished feeling like I could have done more and happy that I was in the ballpark of my pace. Last week, when I finished, I realized that my paces varied by a lot and I was really beat. So this week I wanted to run closer to 9:00 (my 5K pace) and see if I could finish and still stand up. Mission somewhat accomplished, but some of my running buddies are saying that my 5K pace should be faster at around 8:30 to 8:40.

This Saturday is race #4 in the Arizona Road Racers Summer Series. A 5K through Kiwanis park in Tempe that I last ran two years ago finishing in 32:43 with mile splits of 10:00, 10:54, 11:09, and the last .1 in 10:29. I looked at the walk breaks and I took 3 out of 4 of them going DOWNHILL! I think I can improve on this and will try for a PR 5K this Saturday. My best all time 5K is (and you know this from studying my blog) 28:07 which is a 9:03 average pace. I remember having trouble in the second and third mile of that race, so my strategy is to go out the first mile at about 9:15 and get the time back in mile 2 and 3 and finish in the 27's. Also, just before the race starts, I plan to inject a nervous system boosting bolus combination of heroin and cocaine known on the streets as a 'speedball'. Just a little.... aboooouuut that much. And then I'll quit again. Really.

I see people with jobs and families

Ladder Workout

Got him out of his shirt in the first five minutes. Easy street!

I got up at 4:20 this morning (surely Jamoosh was ready for lunch by then) to make the drive out to East valley and met Adam for a track workout. We like to meet up a few times per year to run, drink coffee, and look through back issues of GQ sniffing the cologne samples. We met at a middle school track and he basically did his workout while I did mine.

We embraced, played a quick game of pattycake, and set off for some 5K pace work. I had the idea to run 400/800/1200/1600 and then back down again with 400 rest laps in between. Adam talked me out of the 1200s and that was fine with me. I know there are no rules in running, but the suggestion is to run the back side of the ladder a bit faster than the front side. Hmmmmm. Here are the numbers:
400 8:34
800 8:29
1600 9:34
800 8:52
400 7:54



I also wore the HR monitor and was surprised at how low my HR stayed despite the heaving lungs and inability to talk. My overall average was 154 bpm and my average on the run splits was 164 bpm. That's not outrageous for me. Two years ago, when I wore the monitor all the time, I was getting up to about 180 bpm. It was very hot and humid this morning, which may have had the impact of making it feel like a tougher run than it really was --whatever the eff that means! Hmmmmm again.

You can't just 'help yourself' to mommy's weed!

We chatted a bit about discipline. I know that I don't run according to a plan and have trouble adhering to a schedule, and that may be a big opportunity for me. I'd like to start planning pace and distance and sticking to the plan to build improvement. I'm a head case when it comes to running and I really believe the recorded paces tell the tale. That mile was definitely tough, but what was my plan? At the start, Adam asked about 5K times and suggested that I run the splits at about 9:15 based on that. Well you can see what I thought about that! Is that why I ran the mile at a full minute/mile slower? And what about that "I'm almost finished" final 400? I think it's possible that if I trained according to plan, instead of throwing myself around the route willy-nilly, I may see improved overall running. I have today to use as a baseline, and will be able to establish a plan for the next workout, so that is the silver lining.

This was a tough workout. I'm not really sore muscularly, but I know I got some cardio work done and that feels good. We also talked about getting some S. Mountain hill work in on the weekends. I'm down for that!

Post-Swimming lesson Einsteins with daddy!