Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Daddy Brick Workout

Pre-Plan Preparation: Share DNA with someone else, and shelter  the resulting infant/toddler in your same domicile. "Experiment" with parenting strategies. Know that it is NOT ok to revise any strategies in the middle of the night, but that you inevitably will --all to the merriment of your child and the bulging database of your local CPS department. Begin a health-conscious exercise plan such as an 18 week marathon plan. Ready?? Here we go!

In this workout, Brick refers to the feeling in your head as you contemplate hitting the road for a morning run following the nighttime sleep patterns of a 2.5 year old.

The workout is presented in Steps hereforward so that you may monitor your progress vs. the sub-tasks required to get to your terminal goal.

Step One: Throw half a bagel in the trash and begin to put your exhausted toddler to bed at ____pm. Repeat 29 times between 8pm and 9:15pm and believe me it will be a progressive part of the workout as you deplete all of your verbal reasoning skills over the 90 minutes. '29' attempts is a good starting point. Many more experienced fathers can get up to 50 --start slow. Gu and water at the 'end' of this stage.

Step Two: Sneak into bed with your spouse. In this stage we have some important DO NOTS:


  • Flush the toilet
  • Pee directly into the water
  • make any noise while brushing teeth
  • rustle the sheets
  • turn on any lights within one mile of the house
  • have 'relations' with spouse. Silly!! You stopped doing that long ago and besides, it's what got you into this in the first place
DO have a little water. But do it quietly. Sleep quietly.

Step Three: Wake up at 1am. Your child is done sleeping for the night but wants you to come sleep with him in his bed, or go watch tv, or sleep in the living room, or make pancakes. He will be very pursuasive. Don't do it under any circumstances. Talk him into going back to sleep. Failure at step 3 is actually a success. It's 1 am and technically the next day. Congratulations, you have made it through a Daddy Brick workout. Get ready to build a house.


Adrienne said...

Sounds about right. Times that by 4 then I'll start feeling bad for you. :)

RunningLaur said...

Funny. I don't feel like I'm missing out at all :P

Jamoosh said...

Wait a minute - pancakes at 1:00 AM actually sounds pretty good. I am weak...